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The best source of support is the experience of people who have gone through the loops and hoops.
You can provide as many testimonials as you want, and edit the existing ones.
You can provide new testimonials as new experiences occur, or comment on the existing ones.
If people make comments, please always assume that they are not ill-intentioned.
Please report abusive comments.
The idea of this forum is to offer a structured was to share your experience.
Each page is a theme about which you are free to express yourself, and from which people can ask you questions or react. I aim at creating the core topics by the 27th March.
It can bee seen as a FAQ about adoption in pink families.
There will be categories, and in these categories you will be able, as a free member, to testify of your own experience. Other members will be able to comment on them, which may allow you to elaborate further on your experience.
You will also be able to ask questions to which other members may have the answer by commenting on them(ideally with links to related ressources).
- CONTEMPLATING ADOPTION (Considering)
- What triggered your desire to adopt?
- How long did you contemplate the idea before starting to take yourself seriously?
- Who did you talk to about adoption?
- What resources (books, video, TV) did you consult while considering adopting?
- How involved was your support network in your decision?
- How did your feelings about adopting change over time?
- What was your view on what 'family' means before considering adoption?
- What process did you use to weight your options?
- SHADE OF PINK
- What is your 'shade of pink'? (Where in the LGBT community do you feel you fit?)
- What label are others in the LGBT community attaching to you?
- Did you have 'pink' role models in your family while growing up?
- How were you impacted by the sexuality of your parents, as a child?
- Who were you 'out' to about your sexuality prior to considering adoption?
- Who did you 'come out' to in the process of considering adoption?
- Who did you ‘come out’ to in the process of applying for adoption?
- Who did you 'come out' to after the adoption?
- Who are you not 'out' to?
- Did you have to go 'back into the closet' at some stage in the process?
- Did you have a fear of being 'outed' at any stage in the process?
- ADOPTER'S BACKGROUND
- Do you have a 'diversity' other than being part of the LGBT community?
- By what diversities are others defining you?
- Did you have a traumatic past? (Neglect, abuse, inconsistent parenting, loss)
- How did your past impact your life, relationships and family life?
- How would you describe your relationship to your parents before they knew about your desire to adopt?
- How would you describe your relationship to your family before they knew about your desire to adopt?
- How would you describe your relationship to your friends before they knew about your desire to adopt?
- How would you describe your relationship to 'the scene' before they knew about your desire to adopt?
- How would you describe your relationship to your neighbors before they knew about your desire to adopt?
- How do you relate to your 'heritage' and ancestry?
- How have you dealt with loss in the past?
- Were you 'political' before starting the adoption process?
- Were you an activist of LGBT rights before starting the adoption process?
- Were you involved in advocating children’s rights before starting the adoption process?
- Were you involved in advocating adoption before starting the adoption process?
- What mattered most at diverse stages of the process: your 'pinkness' or other diversities? (Real or perceived)
- DECIDING TO ADOPT
- When did you decide to adopt?
- Whose advice did you seek to make your decision?
- Whose advice counted most in reaching your decision?
- Did you consider the financial implications?
- Did you decide 'money would follow' and did you put the financial criteria on the side?
- Did you feel your decision to adopt had a charitable aspect to it?
- How much selfishness was there in your decision to adopt?
- How long between deciding to adopt, and applying?
- Did you already have other children? How were they involved?
- APPLYING AND BEING ASSESSED
- What is your experience of applying for adoption
- Did you find you were missing some documents or information?
- How intrusive did you find the whole process?
- Would you have done it if you had known what you know now, after adopting?
- Would you do it again?
- Which part of the education process did you find most useful?
- Which part of the education process did you find least useful?
- Did you find the training provided by the HSE useful prior to adopting?
- Did you find the training provided by the HSE useful after having adopted?
- Did you feel supported in the process of adopting?
- Do you think you helped other applicants in the education process?
- Do you think other applicants helped you in the education process?
- Did you have a family tree before considering adoption?
- Did you find it useful to research your family tree?
- What do you think should have been different in the law?
- What do you think should have been different in the application process?
- What do you think should have been different in the education process?
- What do you think should have been different in the assessment process?
- What would you have done differently?
- Did you have to appeal the decision?
- Did you need to complain at any stage?
- Were you aware of the complaint procedure?
- Did you trust you could (have) complain(ed) without prejudice?
- Did you discuss with the social worker the process and support available in case of the adoption being "disrupted" or "dissolved"?
- Did you feel empowered by the whole application and assessment process?
- How did it feel when you received the decision on your eligibility and suitability?
- MEETING THE CHILD
- What were your 'criteria' when looking for a child
- How did you decide on the preferred gender for the child?
- How did you decide on the preferred age of the child?
- How did you decide on the size of the adopted family group? (Number of children if more than one, combinations of ages and genders, twinship, etc)
- Did you know enough about the child before the first meeting?
- Were you aware of any physical, psychological, social, etc., impairments of the child?
- How did you choose a country of origin?
- How important was the ‘pink’ friendliness of the country of origin?
- Where did you find information about the country of origin?
- Did you feel you had to lie to the foreign authorities about your ‘pinkness’, or on other topics?
- How did you find a referral?
- How were you matched with your child?
- How many children have you been matched with?
- How did you feel about having to decline a referral/match?
- Did you ever feel like accepting a match that was not feeling quite right, just to ‘be done with it’?
- How did you decide the match was right?
- Did you feel the child took part into the decision?
- How did the first meeting with the child go?
- Did you have a chance to bond with the child in the home country?
- Did you ever feel bad about removing the child from the country?
- How did the home coming go?
- Was the 'non legally adopting' parent involved in the process abroad?
- How was the ‘non legally adopting’ parent involved in the choices made abroad, and home-coming?
- Did the arrival of the child feel as you had expected it to?
- How quickly did you bond with the child?
- How quickly did the child bond with you?
- Did you experience an ‘adoption blues’ after the arrival of the child?
- Did you ever think about calling it all off? (From applying till the first days with the child)
- How easy was it to register the foreign adoption?
- Was it easy to get immigration clearance?
- BEING 'INSTANT PARENTS'
- How did you prepare to ‘instant parenthood’?
- When did you start preparing the house to welcome the child?
- Did the people around you treat you as an ‘expectant’ parent? Did you?
- How did introduce the child to your parents?
- How did introduce the child to your family?
- How did introduce the child to your friends
- How did your friends react to being introduced to your child?
- How did your neighbors react to you becoming adoptive parents?
- How did the 'scene' react to you becoming adoptive parents?
- How do you introduce your child to strangers?
- What kind of remarks are strangers making about your child?
- How do strangers react to your child being adopted into a 'pink' household?
- Do you ever feel you are not the ‘real parent’?
- How did you select the health professionals for your child?
- How did you let the health professionals find out that you child was adopted?
- How did you let the health professionals find out that you household was 'pink'?
- How did the health professionals react to the situation of your child?
- How did you select the school for your child?
- How did you let the school find out that you child was adopted?
- How did you let the school find out that you household was 'pink'?
- How did the school react to the situation of your child?
- How did you let work know that you household was 'pink'?
- How did work react to the situation of your family? (Employer, employees, customers, colleagues, et al.)
- IMPACT ON THE COUPLE
- Were both members of the couple as motivated to apply for adoption?
- Would you have chosen to adopt as a couple if you could have had?
- Would you (have) become civil partners? (Without parental rights)
- Would you get married if you could?
- How did you decide which person in the couple will apply as a sole applicant?
- How was the ‘non legally adopting’ parent involved in the whole process?
- How did the ‘non legally adopting’ parent feel?
- How is parental authority practically shared?
- Were both members of the couple as well prepared to be parents?
- Are your ‘couple politics’ impacting your parenting?
- Is the adopted child playing one parent against another?
- How was your sex-life impacted after your decision to adopt?
- How was your sex-life impacted after the adoption?
- How were the 'roles' shared in your couple before adopting?
- How have the 'roles' been shared in your couple since adopting?
- Breaking up: did it happen or nearly happen? How? Why?
- Are both parents equally recognized by various people? (Child, authorities, school, health professionals, friends and family, et al.
- How do people react to your couple as parents of your adopted children?
- DAY TO DAY LIFE
- Have you become more involved in activism since adopting?
- Are you involved in school life? (E.g., in the parent’s association)
- Are you involved in voluntary work? (E.g., charity or neighbors’ association)
- How well did the child settle?
- Has there been an initial period of 'honeymoon'?
- Has there been a grieving process of the child for one's past life?
- Has there been a need for counseling/therapy? (In the couple, in the family, for individuals)
- What is the hardest part of raising an adopted child?
- What is the hardest part of being a 'pink' household?
- How did you relationship to your family and friends change since you adopted?
- How did you relationship to the scene change since you adopted?
- How did you relationship to your neighbors change since you adopted?
- How did you relationship to work change since you adopted?
- Have you been focusing on you career the same since the adoption?
- Do you require more flexibility at work, do you get it, and how does it affect your career?
- Where did you feel you were unprepared/failing?
- Where were you surprised to be more prepared than expected?
- What is the impact of having only one legal parent? (Health, school, etc.)
- Are you a good parent?
- As a couple, are you good parents?
- Are you made feel by others you are a good parent?
- How could you be a better parent?
- What should you stop doing?
- What should you keep doing?
- What should you do differently?
- Who provides you with the best advice in raising your child?
- How do you define a 'family' now?
- Why are you in the best interest of the child?
- Do you sometimes regret adopting?
- What is the single most important thing you learned from adopting?
- THE ADOPTEE'S POINT OF VIEW
- Did the child have a traumatic past? (Neglect, abuse, inconsistent parenting, loss)
- How did the past of the child impact the family?
- What is the hardest part of being an adopted child?
- Does the child regret having been adopted?
- What is the hardest part of having 'pink' parents?
- Does the child regret having been adopted in a 'pink' family?
- How does the child relate to one's parent's 'pinkness'?
- How does the child relate to one's birth parents?
- How does the child relate to the 'birth story'?
- How does the child explain the family situation to others?
- How is the child defining oneself as regard the diversity of one's family?
- Is the child defining oneself by another type of diversity?
- How is the child's diversity perceived by others?
- Is the child out about one's parents?
- How does the child's sexuality (after it has bloomed) relates to one's parents'? (Birth if known, and adoptive)
- Is being adopted by same-gender parents better than being adopted by a single heterosexual parent?
- Are two fathers as good as two mothers, a mother and father, or one single parent?
- Where did the child find gender balance?
- What are the 3 things the adopted child would like one's parents to have known before adopting?
- BIRTH FAMILY
- Do you know anything about the birth family?
- Do you know enough about the birth family?
- Did you meet the birth family?
- What was the birth family’s story?
- How attached was the child to the birth family or other carers?
- If the child had a traumatic childhood, how do you feel towards the birth family?
- How do the birth family and other carers feature in the child’s story?
- How do the birth family and other carers feature in the stories you tell the child?
- How do you feel about the birth family and other carers?
- Have you been made feel ‘you are not the real parents’?
- Is the child still in contact with the birth family or other carers?
- Is there a plan to support the child if they decide to seek their birth parents?
- Are you still in contact with the birth family or other carers?
- RITUALS
- Do you have a ritual to celebrate the child's arrival? Does it have a name?
- Was there an ‘entrusting’ ritual to symbolically pass custody of the child to your family?
- Do you have a ritual to celebrate the child's birth family?
- Has a ritual been considered to deal with grief and loss?
- Do you have ways to give a positive image of adoption to the child?
- Are there social rituals that make your life harder?
- How do you handle mother's day?
- How do you handle father's day?
- How do you handle birthdays?
- Was your religion compatible with the child's religious heritage?
- Was your culture compatible with the child's cultural heritage?
- How did you incorporate the child's heritage to your own cultural practices?
- What did the arrival of the child change in your cultural practices?
- Did you learn a new language for the child?
- How did you family, friends, et al., adapt to your child's background?
- How did the child integrate to your religious community? (If any)
- Were you going to ‘LGBT’ events, like ‘Gay pride’, before adopting?
- Have you been going to ‘LGBT’ events, like ‘Gay pride’, since after adopting?
- Have you been brought you child to ‘LGBT’ events, like ‘Gay pride’?
- POLITICAL STATEMENTS
- Is it in the best interest of the child that the parents raising the child be married?
- Is the HSE a good judge of the best interest of (adopted) children?
- What part of the constitution do you think we need to change to allow same-gender (universal) marriage?
Is it not simpler to try and pass a law and see if it is challenged? - What would be wrong with giving parental authority to both adults raising a child, and contracting a civil partnership?
- What would you think of someone who denies children a family?
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